Grief and all its Friends

Grief comes at odd times. In theory, there are stages of grief, phases that you move through in order to process something difficult. It effects each of us differently, and we all process and move through those stages in different ways.

Denial. That phase for me moved quickly. When I got the phone call early into our shutdown, I somehow knew it was true right away. It took a few days to move past this consistently, but realistically it passed quickly. There will be moments where the thoughts of "this can't actually be true" or "she can't really be gone" pass through my subconscious, but I know its real and no matter how much I wish it weren't, I don't deny what has happened.

Anger and Bargaining. These hit at about the same time, and again passed fairly quickly. There wasn't anything we could do. And somehow, I accepted that and moved through the anger and bargaining without much effort.

Depression. This seems to be where I am stuck. The grief does come in waves. I never really understood that. Hadn't ever really experienced it in this way. Even when my grandmother passed, the depression and extreme sadness was all encompassing until it wasn't, and I had moved to acceptance. But with Rebecca, that lack of ability to actually say goodbye and process what had happened seems to be preventing me from moving into acceptance. There was a funeral, but we couldn't attend. We had no way to grieve as a staff, and process the fact that we had lost one of our own. I had no chance to say goodbye to my friend and deal with this huge hole that would be with me forever. I didn't have my friends to lean on in this time, because we were all expected to stay safe and stay apart. There are days when I feel fine, but realistically those are the days where I don't think about her. Those are the days that I don't think about going back to work and visiting her classroom, those are the days that I don't think about having a glass of wine on the deck with her, those are the days I don't think about how during the summer we would gather at a friends house at sit at the pool, those are the days where I don't think about happy hour after a long school day and enjoying a large margarita with friends and co workers. The other days, when I do think about what it will be like to do all of these things and know that she wont be there with us to enjoy, those are the days that my heart breaks all over again. She was one of the kindest, hardest working, thoughtful people that I knew. And I will never get to see her smile again, never get to have the joy of working with her, etc. And there are days like today where I don't know how to get past that and it takes over my thoughts all day.

Acceptance. I know that it will come eventually. I don't know when, and I don't know what to do until I get there. But I know it will happen. There will be a day when I can think about her and don't have tears in my eyes. I cannot wait until we are there.