Self Challenge

These last few months in lock down have been challenging to say the least. With my anxiety and depression holding on by a thread some days, self isolating has been a grab bag of emotions, thoughts, and feelings. I've always been one to feel things very deeply and to take in what happens around me. I've been described as an introvert or an empath more times than I can count. And while most of the time this is something that I absolutely embrace, it has made the process of isolating interesting in ways that I never would have expected.

My time alone has always been something that I have embraced. I need my time alone to recharge and recenter myself. I remember feeling this at least since college. And that has made things difficult as I have transitioned from a teenager and college student to adult life. I feel like I have noticed this especially in the last few years. But I also question how much of that isolation and distancing have also been a part of my depression. Since I put a name to it over a year ago, I have been better about recognizing it and understanding what the pull in the back of my mind is. There are days when I feel like it is completely under control and when I forget about the diagnosis or the label. There are days like today, where I am aware of it and use it to allow myself time to process and reflect in a healthy way. There are days when I feel like I am drowning in it. Those days are few and far between, thankfully, and I am able to keep myself balanced the vast majority of the time.

I am reflecting on this and sharing this in a way to not only help myself cope, but also to try and be there for others that may be dealing with similar issues. But I want to spin this in a little bit of a different way at this point. One thing that I am trying to work on for myself goes hand in hand with this in my opinion. I have an amazing group of friends, people that I trust with every ounce of who I am. When I am with these people, I can have fun, let go, and truly relax and be myself. It becomes easy for me to be myself in these situations and I don't feel the need to hold any part of myself back because I know that these people are my people and that they are there for me no matter what.

But there are days that even this isn't enough. There are days that the loneliness can be overwhelming. Being single isn't something I am ashamed of, and isn't something that I regret. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to find someone to spend my life with. But I frequently find it difficult to trust others and let myself be open with someone new in my life. I struggle with opening up to new people and letting them get to know the real me.

This long post is my way of answering my "question of the day".... What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? While I accept everything about myself that I mentioned above, my difficulty in letting people in, and fear of taking a risk, is probably what I struggle with the most about myself. That is part of what I know I need to work on and I am hoping I can focus on that over the next six months through the end of the year. I want to push myself to take more risks and challenge myself to let others in and really get to know me.

I would love to hear back from anyone actually reading this and willing to share, maybe not something that you deplore about yourself, but something that you see as a personal area of growth - what is something you see in yourself that you want to work on? Where do you want to make improvements in your life. I find that just by writing this down and sharing with someone else a lot of the time helps to hold us accountable and maybe this will help keep us all moving in a positive direction.